If a young adult you know is in the bottom 80% of the class, you may have been told that she is “an underachiever” (a polite way of saying lazy or dumb).
Ask yourself, “Underachiever compared to what?” Compared to the narrowly-defined, standardized measures of school performance? Or compared to the abilities that will help her to thrive in life?
In my opinion, your young adult is not under-achieving. Rather, the issue is that she is under-appreciated. Every young adult has gifts – and many of their gifts conflict with school. In other words, it’s not what your student lacks that is causing the problem. It’s what your child HAS – that we adults have not learned to appreciate (See my study for more on this).
We’ve inherited education recipes—designed for the Henry Ford generation—that are linear, verbal, competitive, and left-brained and we’ve put them in a pressure-cooker for students. When a student has gifts that are at odds with this model, the student is labeled as the problem, not the system. Take Jonathan, for example.
Jonathan is a superb athlete with the gift of Grace (one of 8 gifts I identified that conflict with school). He slows things down in his mind’s eye, remains unruffled in edgy situations, and uses humor to defuse tension in a group. This gift will help him thrive in life, but it gets him labeled as a “slow processor” in the classroom.
The real world increasingly values non-linear, non-verbal, collaborative, right-brain abilities, but most adults have grown up learning that these are not essential to a great education or career and don’t truly understand the value of them in young adults–until they are in the workplace (I’ve written about this before). In Tokyo, Melbourne, London, and Boston, parents and teachers tell me they want to value their students’ individual gifts and strengths, but too often they feel they must focus on getting the student to fit into the school mold.
Turn Down the Heat
Recently, one father asked, “What can I do right now, Christine—while my daughter is still stuck in the pressure cooker?” My answer to this father and others? Turn down the heat. Reduce your focus on school performance and give yourself a perspective that makes you feel good about what she has.
One way to gain perspective is to appreciate your child’s natural gifts and strengths. Sounds too simple, I know, but it’s actually quite powerful.
If you are in the ½ % who are truly gifted at appreciating your student’s gifts without worrying about his “shortcomings,” you can skip the rest (and I’d love to hear from you!). For the other 99.5%, here are some thoughts for you.
No Ifs and Buts
To truly appreciate, you have to focus, solely, on the terrific aspects of your young adult. This is the crucial point: you focus on what’s good without the “but” or “if only” that usually follows, as in, “she’s so creative… but I worry about her getting into college…” or “he’s so persistent… if only he would apply that to his school work…”
Take 3 minutes every day for the next 7 days and write “what I appreciate in ______[young adult’s name]” on the top of a page. Then spend the 3 minutes in pure appreciation – thinking only about your young adult’s good qualities.
After you write your appreciation on Day 7, answer this question: “What am I noticing in my child that makes me feel great?” I’d love to hear your answers if you are inclined to share them (cd AT ChristineDuvivier.com).
Every young adult has gifts – and many of their gifts conflict with school. In other words, it’s not what your student lacks that is causing the problem. It’s what your child HAS – that we adults have not learned to appreciate (See my study for more on this).
young adult. This is the crucial point: you focus on what’s good without the “but” or “if only” that usually follows, as in, “she’s so creative… but I worry about her getting into college…” or “he’s so persistent… if only he would apply that to his school work…”