Have you ever found yourself trying to think more positively about something but in your gut or your chest you feel a clenching that says, “I don’t really believe this” ? If so, you’re not alone.
Sometimes when we try thinking positively about a difficult topic, not only do we not feel better, we may even feel worse. …So much for positive thinking.
The reason for this is because every subject we think about is like a coin: on one side is what we want, but melded to it on the flip side is it’s opposite– the thing we don’t want.
In How to Tell a Story that Doubles Success and Passion, you saw that it’s the story you tell that makes you feel good or bad about an event. The trouble is, when you take on a topic that’s emotionally-charged, it’s sometimes hard to fully believe the new story.
When a topic (kids, love, bosses, employees, body, money) makes you sad, scared, frustrated, angry, hurt or hopeless, you are already fixated on the side of the coin you don’t want. So even when you try to flip it over and look at the good side, you are still very aware that of the bad side, sitting there in your hand.
You may be more aware of it in your body than in your conscious mind, but you can feel the negative sensations are there even when you’re trying to tell the story positively.
A process that has helped me and my clients feel better when we’re trying to get ourselves to feel good about a new story is:
First, notice and name how you actually feel. Are you frustrated? Sad? Scared? Overwhelmed? Despairing? Just by naming it, you’ll feel slightly better.
Sandra started by telling me, “My new story is, ‘ Ari is a great student who really focuses.’” The problem was, Sandra’s stomach clamped as she said it.
When Sandra stopped and asked what was making her uneasy, she named Fear. “I’m afraid that she’s too scattered and won’t be able to handle college.”
Scattered Stars
Second, soothe yourself. Find a reason to feel slightly less sad/frustrated/angry/scared – find a thought that soothes you just a bit.
Sandra’s soothing thoughts were, “Ari has a lot of other things going for her… and even if she is a bit scattered, it’s not the end of the world… She’ll probably be more focused as she gets older.”
Third, find positive data that is real. Look around in your life and find some real examples that are positive .
Sandra remembered, “When she was five, Ari sat there for an hour and a half, just intently cutting, drawing, stamping these tickets for the play her cousins were doing.” This memory led to others and now Sandra had proved to herself that Ari isn’t always scattered.
Fourth, go back to the story on the positive side of the coin and imagine that you already have this thing you want. Immerse yourself in it… what does it feel like to have it? Stay in that feeling place for a minute or two.
Fifth, re-write your new story from this place of feeling what it’s like to have it already. Write down a few of the things that feel best in your new story and remind yourself of the positive data you gathered in step 3.
Sandra told her new story this way, “Ari is a creative, smart girl who can focus carefully on a project that interests her.” After steps four and five, Sandra said her new story felt, “Light… warm…loving….hopeful…. now I believe it.”
What story would you like to believe?
Christine Duvivier is a Positive Change leader, speaker and mentor who guides clients to Unleash Hidden Talents. Sign up here to get her free newsletter. Like her Facebook page to get the latest updates and videos.
Additional References:
Abraham-Hicks: The Astonishing Power of Emotions
Reivich, Karen: The Resillience Factor
Images:
Coin, thanks to Cornell University Library on Flickr
Pup thanks to Australian War Memorial on Flickr
Scattered Stars thanks to Smithsonian on Flickr